I am a recovering alcoholic Watching my mother smoke, snort, swallow and drink every drug that was available to her was my reality as a child. It was July 19, 2006 and my husband was traveling out of town on business.
In turn, this reality led, drove and resigned me to spend most of my childhood knowing that I never wanted to be like her and planning ways not to be. Wiping my mouth, trying to remove the evidence of last night’s binge, I realized I had become my mother. His departure signaled the party was about to begin.
“Ah, the best laid plans,” I thought, as I lay slumped over the edge of my couch viciously dry-heaving into the steel pot lying on the floor beneath me. “Dear God, please let me die,” the Lord’s Prayer uttered by most, if not all, alcoholics. Alcoholics love to drink when they think no one is watching.
Followed by the pledge: “If you decide to keep my pathetic shell of a body on this planet, I vow to never drink this poison again.” These prayers and pledges were often drowned out by the demons screeching in my head. The very voices that tore at my esteem were the same voices that would only be quieted and satiated with alcohol. Alcoholics always believe they are smarter than their sober counterparts. He was nervous to leave me because I had promised a thousand times before that I wouldn’t drink and a thousand times I had. The vows spoken from sober lips would soon be slurred into lies by my drinking. I remember stumbling into a few local bars, slurring and fawning over anyone that would talk to me. I had never truly heard what he was saying because I wasn’t ready. Alcohol had always made situations, people, places, things and even myself more tolerable. The difference was that now I knew and believed that I didn’t either.
AA has done such a good job of selling alcoholism as an uncontrollable disease, maybe people believe that you can just slip off (like Lee Remick in Days of Wine and Roses) into oblivion.
But, it seems many don’t want it to touch their lives.He goes to AA meetings every week and says he hasn't had a drop to drink in three years.I don't want to throw something amazing away... But I'm not sure I want to get involved with an alcoholic even if he's admitted it. " In a nutshell: I think it depends on your situation.The voices that reminded me how I was not smart enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough. I used alcohol to quiet the demons and the demons demanded the alcohol. Well, last night had been just like every other time, day or night I had decided to drink myself into a blackout. I heard later that some people that knew my friend, Shannon, had seen me and called her to inform her of my reckless behavior. Now mind you, my husband is one of the most selfless, genuine and kind-hearted people that I have ever met but he was maxed out. He looked at me and said, “You don’t know what you do when you’re out drinking because you are in a blackout. For the past ten years, alcohol had consumed my thoughts and ravaged my mind. I embrace it with all of its ups and downs, twists and turns, with a newfound resilience.Shannon quickly called my husband and told him that I had been driving drunk all over town and was a complete disaster; a tornado, the very hurricane of destruction my mother was. My husband, on the other hand, didn’t show the emotion that Shannon did. He had been living an alcoholic induced nightmare for the past two years. I feel like I should have myself tested for diseases because you could be sleeping with people and not even remember.” My heart was shattered and I felt suddenly dirty, disheveled and disgusting. I convinced myself that I needed alcohol to survive. I can face life, feel its wrath and weather the storm without taking one drink because one drink is too many and a thousand is never enough.